Body Hatred

I hate my body today. I hated my body last night. The medicine makes me so hungry and I have gained like 20lbs since I went into the hospital.  Maybe even more. The hospital scale said 236.6 this morning. That’s the highest it’s ever been and it’s making me feel depressed.  I don’t know how I was dealing with it before last night, but I didn’t even really care about it until I saw a picture of myself then. I think that’s a pretty good sign that I’m bouncing back into a mixed state.  I was definitely irritable yesterday. 

What if no one ever loves me? 

I just saw the doctor and he said we need to wait until I’m stable before we even really worry about my weight. I’m obsessed with it today. I just feel terrible about myself. I want to love myself again. That only ever happened briefly, but I already miss the feeling. What would I say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?

Dear Catherine,

You is kind. You is smart. You is important. But seriously, you are beautiful no matter how much you weigh! It’s time to practice some radical self acceptance and realize that you’re a totally bitchin’ kick ass lady! You were fine with how you looked two days ago, but then saw that photo and the self-loathing began. You are so much more than your outward appearance. You know that. You are a worthwhile human being deserving of love and belonging.  You are funny, smart, generous, and helpful. Your body has made it through 27 very hard years. It has loved you and lived for you. It’s time to love your vessel back. Castiel would be ashamed.
Love,

Catherine

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